“ “Shyness is nice, But shyness can stop you, From being all the things in life, You’d like to.” ~ Morrisey
A very long time ago I was invited to the BBC Midlands studio, for the Asian Network’s regular featured spot on Story-time. This was after having spent 13 years of writing poetry and only sharing it privately with very close friends; I had eventually decided at the age of 28 that I should finally assert and express my private persona as a writer by sharing my poetry publicly. However, the trouble was, I was very shy whenever I did. Although my poetry performances had always been very timid, even slightly embarrassing, I continued to push myself to do them for just over one whole year – because I always believed that my work was good and that it deserved to get heard. On the other hand, I just couldn’t ever get over exposing myself so openly as my work has always been so-honestly-about my emotions… Despite this overwhelming coyness, I somehow got this slot on BBC Radio along with a few other interviews on air etc. thanks to the writers group that I worked with, who were kind enough to have recommended and gently pushed me forward.
I kept this particular set of recordings for over three years now, knowing full well how to share them…but it has took me this long, because I hated the way I stammered, stuttered and struggled to get all my words out. Although those who know me personally would most probably agree that confidence, maybe arrogance or even obnoxiousness have never been short-coming to my character… but in terms of sharing my poems out loud…it’s still so difficult.
Listening to this recording today over 3 years later, I realise now that I really haven’t changed much…and that I still feel embarrassed about this thing people seem to call talent! I still feel awkward, yet desperate to express my inner soul without revealing all the hurt and mistrust that wells inside me. I still stutter and stammer when I get nervous. I still doubt my ability as an Artist but yet I still feel an incessant need to share my creations – because contrary to my very own disbelief – I still believe that I have been blessed in a funny way with quite a useless gift … I would have preferred it if I could sing – but beggars cannot be choosers and I have to learn to be grateful for what I have – but if something has changed since this recording, it’s that this gift is no longer about me, me, me, but it’s about what it’s like to be human and I really do want to share my experience because I need to know if others feel the same way.
I hope that you like the poetry by Najma Hush on Phosphorecsecnce1001, but why on earth, I had called my poetry site “Mycupoverflows.com” back then I will never understand…and then to openly broadcast myself live on air, to a nation that thrives on innuendos, tut.
Finally – here it is…because if you don’t share your love and work today… you just might die tomorrow keeping it in your heart forever.